‘It’s made out of solid wood and it sleeps eight.’
“The idea that there is a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says alot about anticipated traffic numbers.”
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. — George Burns
Sister Marry was truly a religious woman. Besides for her duties as a nun, she was also very active in various hospitals visiting sick patients and taking care of all their needs. So it was no surprise that one day when she ran out of gas, the only container she could find to put the gas into was a bedpan. Sister Mary happily walked two blocks to the closest gas station filled up the bedpan with gas and headed back to her car. Luck would have it that as Sister Mary started tipping the gas into the fuel tank, the traffic light turned red and she had quite a large audience witnessing the spectacle. Just when she finished pouring in the last drops of gas a fellow opened up his window and hollered, “I swear! If that car starts I’m becoming a religious man!”
Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews.
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
God loved the birds and invented trees. Man loved the birds and invented cages.
A church had a picnic and invited the entire community to come. The Pastor placed a basket full of apples on one end of a table with a sign saying, “Take only one apple please – Remember that God is watching.” On the other end of the table was a plate of cookies where one of the children had placed a sign saying, “Take all the cookies you want — God is watching the apples.”
A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a bottle of it on his dining room table. He offered some to a guest, who took a big spoonful. When the guest finally was able to speak, he gasped, “I’ve heard many ministers preach hellfire, but you are the first one I’ve met who passed out a sample of it.”
Everyone dies but not everyone lives.
As long as there are mid-term exams, there will be prayer in public schools.
Recreation is my shepherd, I shall not stay at home; It maketh me to lie down in a sleeping bag; It leadeth me down the interstate each weekend. It restoreth my suntan; It leadeth me to state parks for comfort’s sake. Even though I stray on the Lord’s Day, I will fear no reprimand, for I am relaxed; My rod and reel they comfort me. I annointed my skin with oil, My gas tank runneth dry; Surely my trailer shall follow me all the weekends of summer, And I shall return to the house of the Lord this fall. But by then, it will be hunting season and football season, And that’s another psalm.
Dear God,
So far, today, I’ve done all right. I haven’t gossiped or lost my temper. I haven’t been greedy, grumpy, nasty, or self centered. I’m really happy about that so far. But in a few minutes I’m going to be getting out of bed and then I’m going to need a lot of help. Thank you! Amen
